|Season One, Episode Three|
|First Aired||September 18, 2012|
SummaryEditThe episode starts with Shania and Bryan at the kitchen table in the Collins-Sawyer residence. There is a shopping bag on the table, and they are going through about a small pile of baby clothes. David enters the house, and reminds Bryan that they had made an agreement to not buy any baby clothes until after all of the health tests. Bryan says that he remembers the agreement, but he just "got excited" while he was out with Shania, and that she dragged him into a baby store. When David appears to not be amused by Bryan's story, the latter tells David that he is "made of stone". David tells Bryan that he needs to return the clothes, and he replies with a complaint that the sales girl will think that they're poor. Shania asks to keep one of the baby skirts, saying that she thinks it's "so cute". Bryan lets her take it, then follows Bryan into the kitchen. He asks when they can start enjoying the baby, and the scene cuts away to Bryan, Goldie , and David in a meeting with Gary .
Gary tells them that they can enjoy the child at the 12 week mark, after the FNT test. Gary continues to talk about some of the tests, but eventually gives up when David keeps interrupting him, explaning the tests himself. It is then revealed that Friday will be a special ultrasound- the first time they hear their baby's heartbeat. Gary tells them that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Bryan and Goldie look shocked, while David nonchalantly takes a butterscotch.
The next scene shows Shania at school, wearing the baby dress as a shirt. She asks two of her classmates if she can sit with them at lunch. One of the girls rejects Shania, saying that she's hideous. The girl then asks if Shania's shirt is for a baby. Shania says no, that it's "a crop top, like teenagers and certain women her dad hangs out with wear". The girls laugh, and the second one asks why there's a pacifier on the shirt. After walking away from the girls, a boy, Wilbur , approches Shania. He calls her "Shauna", and asks if she'd like to sit with him at lunch. She thanks and corrects Wilbur, telling him that her name is actually Shania. He said that if she sits with him, he can have her pizza crusts. Shania is skeptical, thinking that it's a prank that he wants her to sit with him. He gives her a big smile and says that he really likes her top. She smiles, and the scene cuts back to Bryan, Goldie, David.
The trio are leaving Gary's office, and Gary is comforting Bryan's worries about the chances of having a child with red hair. Gary says goodbye, telling them that he'll see them on "Heartbeat Friday". Goldie checks her phone, and tells Bryan that the top he gave Shania helped her make a new friend. She tells the boys that she's going to go to an outlet mall to buy Shania some more clothes. Bryan said that if he'd ever been to an outlet mall, he'd love it. He tells Goldie that he'll drive, so she doesn't have to take the bus. She asks what's wrong with taking the bus, and he tells her that only high school dropouts, single moms, and bottle blonds take the bus. She retorts with, "You literally just described me". Bryan tells her that they can fix her hair, and the scene changes to Goldie asking David's advice on a top for Shania.
He tells her that the shirt is "cool but probably fatal", saying that Shania is very fair-skinned and the tank top exposes her shoulders, which is the area most commonly neglected by sunscreen. Goldie asks where Bryan is, and he tells her to check the mirrors, and he'll check the scarves.He heads off to look for Bryan, busting him for looking at baby clothes. Bryan feigns innocence, acting like he got lost. David reminds him of the promise to wait for the test results, and Bryan shows him a baby hat that looks like a frog. David says that the hat "isn't that cute", but changes his minds when Bryan puts on the hat and smiles at him. They start talking about the excitment of them really becoming dads. Bryan says "I love you too", even though David didn't say that he loved him. When David informs him of this, Bryan smiles and says "I know, but you were thinking it." David smiles back, and says tells Bryan that he loves him, and they both lean into a kiss.
A man walks up and asks them not to do that. Bryan smiles and informs the man that David is going to let him buy the hat. The man says that he was referring to Bryan kissing another man in front of his daughter. He tells him that he shouldn't have to go home and "explain that" to her. Bryan asks what the man has to explain. Love? The man says that he's trying to be cool, to which Bryan sarcastically tells him that he really is being cool, and thanks him for his intolerance, bigotry, and for fostering the ignorance onto another generation. And for bringing back the fanny pack. David tells him that the last line fell short, because he's still wearing the beanie. Bryan pulls the hat off his head, and the man tells him that he's tryng to protect his family. Bryan informs him that he and David are also having a family, and the man tells him that it's "disgusting" and that he "feels sorry for that poor kid". The man leaves and Goldie walks over to them. She notices that Bryan is visibly upset and asks them what happened.
The next scene starts with Jane picking Shania up from school. When Jane walks over to the coat room to get her, she walks in on Shania and Wilbur kissing. Shocked, she demands to knows what Shania's wearing and doing. She pulls the kids out of the coat room, and tells them to come with her.
The scene switches to David walking into his and Bryan's bedroom, where Bryan is folding baby clothes on their bed. He sees that Bryan's upset, and hopes that it's not still about returning the baby clothes. He tells him that once they're "out of the woods", Bryan can buy as many baby shoes as he wants. He says that their kid is going to give "Terry Bradshaw" a case of shoe envy. Bryan angrily corrects him, saying that it's Carrie Bradshaw, and for David to stop pretending that he doesn't know that. He then informs David that that isn't the reason he's upset. David asks if he's still thinking about the guy from the outlet mall. Bryan starts to cry, and David tells him that it's okay and tries to comfort him. Bryan tells him that it's not okay, and David reminds him that their will always be stupid people in the world, and to not let them bother him. Bryan tells him that ignoring people isn't good enough anymore, because they're having a baby. He says that the guy at the mall isn't the problem, they are. He tells David that he's not crying for himself, he's crying for their future child. That acting ashamed of who they are won't send a good message to their child. It would just kill him if their baby felt that, and he asks David how they're supposed to protect the child from hate before leaving the room.
In the next scene, Jane is at Planned Parenthood. She asks the girl at the desk what the current best method of birth control is. The girl says that Jane's age is the best method, and, annoyed, Jane tells her that she's not talking about herself, that she's talking about Shania and Wilbur. The girl looks surprised, and Jane tells her to put Shania on "the pill" and to get extra-small condoms for the boy. The girl and Jane continue to argue about how they're just kids, and the scene ends with the girl saying that she's going to call the police.
The scene cuts to a man with Downs Syndrome, Roger , at the front of the line at a juice bar in David's gym. He is holding up the line with all the questions he's asking, and annoying some of the other customers. Towards the end of the line, David and his friend from work, Amir , are having a conversation about the ultrasound that he's going to that day, the one where he is going to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. The man behind them, Jason , starts loudly complaining about how slow the man at the front is. David keeps glancing back at Jason while Amir talks to him, telling a story about hearing his son's heartbeat for the first time. David tells Amir that he thinks he's having an anxiety attack as the man behind them finally snaps, telling the guy behind the counter to give the "retard" and IQ boost. David turns around and tells Jason not to talk to him like that. Jason gets in David's face and asks what he's going to do about it. David looks at him for a moment before punching him in the face, hard. Roger tells David that he doesn't need him to fight his battles, and calls him a "f*g".
In the next scene, David is rushing into the doctor's office, apologizing for being late. Bryan asks him if he's okay, and David tells him that he's not, explaining what happened at the gym. Goldie then confesses that she overheard what the man said at the outlet mall, and apologizes for not saying anything. She promises that the next time something like that happens, she'll speak up, and the doctor walks in. When he hears the heartbeat, David starts to cry, and Bryan kisses the side of his forehead, holding him close.
The next scene shows Goldie, Jane, Shania, Wilbur, and Wilbur's mother in a meeting with Mrs. White. The teacher apologizes for letting Jane take the students out of the classroom. Wilbur's mother says that she's glad it happened, because it led to her and Wilbur having an honest conversation. She thanks Jane, and the meeting ends. Wilbur walks up to Jane and hits on her before leaving with his mom. Once in the hall, Jane asks Shania to wait in the car while she talks to Goldie. Once Shania leaves, Jane admits her worries that Shania will turn out like Goldie and Goldie's mother. Goldie says that she'll talk to Shania tonight, and they leave the school.
The scene cuts to Jason, David, Roger and the Equinox manager, Buck , in a meeting. Buck lets David know that Jason won't be pressing charges, and David thanks him for being so cool about it. He tells him that he's stressed because he and his boyfriend are about to be fathers for the first time. Jason congratulates him, and tells him that he and his boyfriend just got engaged. Surprised, David congratulates him on his engagement. Buck tells the two men that their memberships to the gym have been permenently revoked. Roger cheers, and the men find out that he is not being punished for calling David a f*g. He leaves to go to his Zumba class, and David leaves soon after. As he's leaving, David notices a baby tracksuit on display near the exit.
David returns home and tells Bryan that he was right. That he should just be happy about having a child, instead of worrying. He then pulls out the tracksuit and shows Bryan. He says that he bought the tracksuit to celebrate the "win" of hearing the baby's heartbeat, instead of being negative. He tells Bryan that he had never loved David more when he heard that heartbeat, because that was the sound of their family. They kiss, and David tells Bryan that the guy who's ass he kicked was "practically the size of a lumberjack". Bryan laughs and says that he can't believe that David got banned for life, and that it's "kind of hot", but to not let himself go.
There's a knock on the door, and David opens it to reveal Goldie, Jane, and Shania. Shania tells them that she has to return the baby clothes because they are too mature for her age. Jane then hands them a bag, and inside is a onesie that says 'PLEASE HELP ME' on it. She says that she wanted it to say "Please help me, call Child Protective Services". She's cut off by Goldie saying that they're off to see who Jane can offend at dinner. After some hesitation, the boys invite them to stay for dinner, saying they ordered too much Chinese food.
Jane asks them why, if they wanted a baby so badly, they didn't just order one from China. Then, at the same time, Bryan and Jane say "With six you get egg roll". A long pause follows, everyone in awe. She breaks the pause by asking if they have wine, to which Bryan replies "Barrels full". She thanks God, and asks for forgiveness for what she is about to do and they all sit down, the episode coming to a close.
- Michael Hitchcock as Gary Snyder
- Edi Patterson as Wilbur's Mom
- Ravi Patel as Amir
- Isaak Presley as Wilbur
- Edward Barbanell as Roger
- Christopher Wolfe as Jason
- Charlie Weirauch as Buck
- Stacie Greenwell as Mrs. White
- Sarah Buehler as Woman's Service Worker
- Kurt Scholler as Suburban Man
- Indrajit Sarkar as Doctor
- Haley Tju as Girl #1
- Kyla Kenedy as Girl #2